ipse dixit

Married To The Bass
By Robin Meloy Goldsby | September 2005

Okay, Ladies, listen up. Bass players make great husbands. There is no
scientific data to support my claim, but having worked my way through the
rhythm section, the technicians, and a handful of brass, reed, and string
players, I'm a qualified judge.

First, consider this. A man who plays an upright bass is strong. He lugs the
instrument around, carries it up steps, slides it in and out of cars, and
maneuvers it through large crowds of people. If you marry a bass player you'
ll be getting a physically fit husband. Okay, there is the occasional back
problem. This crops up two or three times a year-usually when you want him
to move your grandmother's walnut armoire or need him to stand on a ladder
and drill a hole in the ceiling. But you can cope with such minor
inconveniences by calling a muscular clarinet player who is handy with a
power drill. Good luck finding one. Here's the thing: When your bass player
is pain-free, he's as strong as a bull. He has to be in order to make the
gig. And he might even throw you over his shoulder and carry you over the
threshold every so often, just because he can.

Next, ponder the shape of the upright bass. It's shaped like a woman. A bass
player knows about bumps and curves-he even likes them. He has dedicated his
life to coaxing beautiful music out of voluptuous contours. He'll do the
same for you. Just don't marry a stick-bass player, unless you look like
Kate Moss or intend to spend the rest of your life eating lettuce.

Examine the bass player's hands, especially when he's playing a particularly
fast passage. Now imagine what those fingers can do to you. Enough said.

A great bassist is an ensemble player, a team member who executes, with
confidence, a vital role in any band with the strength of his groove, the
steadiness of his rhythm, and the imaginative logic of his harmonic lines.
This doesn't just apply to the bassist's music. It also applies to his
outlook on life. A bass-player husband will be loyal, true, and interesting,
and will help you emerge from life's challenges looking and sounding better
than you ever imagined. If you're in a bad mood, don't worry. He'll change
keys. On the other hand, if you marry a pianist, he'll try to arrange
everything and then tell you what your disposition should be. If you marry a
guitarist, he'll try to get ahead of you by analyzing your temperament in
double-time. If you marry a drummer, it won't matter what kind of mood you'
re in because he'll just forge ahead with his own thing. A bass player
follows along, supports you, and makes you think that everything is okay,
even when the world is crashing down around you.

There are some minor drawbacks. You need to have a house with empty corners,
especially if your husband owns more than one upright bass. I know, you have
that newly reupholstered Louis XV chair that would look fabulous in the
corner by the window. Forget it-that's where the bass has to go. You can
come to terms with these trivial decorating disappointments by reflecting on
the sculpture-like quality of the instrument. Even when it's silent, it's a
work of art.

If you have children-and you will, because bass players make great
fathers-your most frequently uttered phrase will be "WATCH THE BASS!" You
will learn how to interject this phrase into every conversation you have
with your children. For instance: "Hello, sweetie, watch the bass, did you
have a nice day at kindergarten? We're having rice and broccoli for lunch,
watch the bass, do you want milk or water to drink?"

You will be doomed to a life of station wagons, minivans, and SUVs. You
might harbor a secret fantasy of zooming around town in a Mazda MX5
convertible, but this will never happen unless you go through a big messy
divorce, give your bass-player husband custody of the children, and marry a
violinist, which would be no fun at all. Better to accept the hatchback as
an integral part of your existence and get on with it.

Your bass-player husband will know the hip chord changes to just about every
song ever written in the history of music. This is a good thing. Just don't
ask him to sing the melody. He might be able to play the melody, but he won'
t sing it-he'll sing the bass line. And, if you happen to play the piano, as
I do, don't expect him to just sit there silently and appreciate what you
are playing without making a few suggestions for better changes and
voicings. He'll never give up on trying to improve your playing. But that's
why you married him in the first place. He accepts what you do, but he
pushes you to do it better.

If you marry the bass player, you marry the bass. Buy one, get one free.
Your husband will be passionate about his music, which will grant you the
freedom to be passionate about the things you do. You might not worship the
bass as much as he does, but you'll love the bass player more every day.